faint-headed, light-hearted

coffee makes me nervous.

two cups makes me even more skittish

none of my problems matter, in a matter of speaking.

but somehow these little mishaps or empty wants have made me so unbalanced and shakey. my hands are steady, but my insides gurgle with strange pace, as if to tell the rest of my body to follow suit. 

change scares me. even great, upscale grandiose change.

for better or for certain, i am a nervous nilly, riding happiness like a child on the pay-as-you-go pony outside the supermarket, until i run out of quarters.

i'm a captive to my emotions,
they cascade and crash,
steep and build,
 all to eventually meet the pavement.

i want to be grounded.

 i want to feel happy.

 i don't want to feel lost anymore.

act accordingly is the social norm, but i've never quite been able to follow guidelines or learn things completely.

so i hide, and what's worse is even though i've made this solace for myself, locking myself away from sharing a home with anyone.

the irony is i love living alone, but hate being alone.

i'm not a complete shut-in, and still like being out socially, but lately the fears or anxieties that plague me are making it harder for me to be outside.

i know that people like me. and people love me. but i still haven't found someone to love me. and despite all my accomplishments, all my fulfilled dreams, all my successful attempts to rescue myself from seemingly desolate situations, i find myself right back here, feeling depressed and invisible.

letting go of things (and people) is the longest walk, being a circular pigeon in all this ungravely mess. people wander in and out of my life and i've gradually learned how to forget, or passively ignore them, but it doesn't make this life of living and hurting any easier.

i know all of this is trivial. and still i can't help feeling helpless.

remembrance.

how can so many things be going right, yet i feel like everything is coming apart at the seams?

high and drowned

her lips taste of bubblegum
awkward standing in the snow
to our carefully patterned podium inspired pause

she smells like morning tossed in roses and waterfalls
polite and unbeknowing

off to business for the holiday

no precursors or method
striking and unavailable
ready for day's bravings

so prim and drove for recess

the smiles break slow
in the kind trail of unspoken drop

stomachs clenched memories washed
loss for translation;
and all we can muster is assurance of our space.

 i'll talk to you, tonight?

blah blah blah

smile

quip

question

silence

follow

smile

quip- 

indifference

waiting...

waiting...

smile

nothing

discard

discourse

quip.

quip.

quip.

ignore.

pollard beauty.

post-like-esque

i've chance encountered but three times in my life (and musical musings) that i've been affected by certain individuals who have propelled me out of various hibernation or transitionary moments.

it's in these brief wanderings that i'm at my most vulnerable and awestuck.

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one out here not willing to play "the game."

i'd rather stay in all day and watch telly. and think freely with my heart.

likely to assume, these things never quite end easily.

if you were ever close to me, you'd probably notice my musical output is directly related to ships that sail momentarily.

i leave these parallels with a handful of songs and pockets of swallows.

and this so repeats, for however long i am around to see it through.

malkmus doing can.

my every day...

dull.

i shroud my head in normal happiness
what could be misconstrued as proper imbalance
your hand is a confounded irony
my head is an apology

stray fire.

spools of thrones, unraveled in the marvelous mesh
of deaf cries and manicured contact

unfinished sentences
conversations barely begun
lines legibly escorted to their tipping points
pens drained

no questions bartered for emblems
i'll wear you on my sleeve
but this old sweater is a pass me up-
picked up on the way to
the well dressed soirée that is avoidance.