dwindle and fuss.

this year i've accomplished more and fulfilled things in my life i never would have expected to, moreso than any previous years. i finally came back to a point where i felt i could say i was happy more often and made changes to ensure i was on that path.  now, even with how far i've come, i've never been so depressed and unsure of myself. i get past  one obstacle and another presents itself. some days i feel like giving up. i haven't though.  and here i am writing to an invisible audience all the while longing to be heard.

here come the painbirds

oh mr. linkous, you know me to every inch of my soul.

i will write a thousand songs for you.

it's the only way i can release myself from this painstakingly proposed ambience.

if it takes my whole lifetime i will make it so.

if it lasts less than these moments, i will return to you in notations and flutters.

lasting, lost, expressive, billowing, whispering.

this is my one and only promise.

drizzle.

there's no heart in sight

my mind is racing

stop 

well.

strip woes.

call on favors the thoughts are aflame

can't keep tabs, pull off the frames

the lies are sheathed, well kept in our countenance

stay firm, ready for exclamation, slightly exhausted

to keep our corners

folded and neatly secured

no more trapper keepers and hallway notes

staples of our once believed life

and my heart is racing

no slumber, 

fighting off the sublime

smiles are meant for days beyond our days

in the meantime we wear our what have you mays

drenched in the perfume of warm beer and mint cloves.

alternatives and compromises, diets and starved minds

staring at barren cups and speckled saucers

wondering what vague universe has packed away for their undoing

and my heart is pacing

slow.

slow

keep tracing the lines of your ageless suspicions

washing the filth from your 'ware

dirt from your nails

scraping the barrels, 

scratching at the cats eyes

we are here for the occasion

and my mind is racing

dream

spent

days

end.

over and doneso

i've come to the realization in the past few weeks, that i've finally let go of all of the directed anger once dominant in my immediate life. there are a handful of friends and family i've chosen to disregard for various legitimate reasons, and only recently have i reconciled with my emotions, so much so that i feel the weight of my past has finally lifted into a cloud of no importance.

mind you, i still continue to remain silent to these parties, but at least now i can move on with my life and not dwell on useless remains.

so cheers to you my faceless imaginary friends, whose eyes and mouths identify and encourage me in my constant meanderings, and hold not hatred towards my predictable actions.

xoxo,

gossip girl.

one trick tonal

all awash 

with the greys of another day lost.

crawl space, attic highs,

knees weak from dead horses

relinquish and delay, capture and release

my chamber is endless, human and scarred

wavering and spontaneous, but well thought and obsessed

there is no OFF! button or human switch

bait me with half wit and unrehearsed dialogue

to have and have not is the norm, 

and charm has lost its grace.

to walk wire and string balloons as high as chance

to wander in this trust, whatever it may be.

i see the looks and gazes

the way you hang like portraits of perfect dysfunction

been way too encumbered to have read between 

expiration notices and unsigned leases

this is a wash.

this is a claim.

we seem to fade

as quick as our ad libs and retractions.

i could write you the perfect paraphrase

to your unrealized quips

and unfinished biographies

no summaries or handicaps, 

just unborn literary drones

i'll stay here now

forever in the womb of intention

stammering; on the straight and careless.

my only mistake was letting you see my sleeve.

gone.

i am captive.
to the lines in your eyes.

captioned.
by question marks, uncertainty and punctual gazes.
perpetual lives, standoff on the far end of ships already sailed.

i am captive.
with nowhere to fall, ears deaf, bodies stone.

unrelentingly slow and undeterminably absent.