drill.drill.drill

spill all the takeovers
tangents and policies
scrapes with nature
beauty pageants and posturing

mild survival
tactical stratagem

here's my semblance
heroes and podiums

dancing with the gravel
emory boards and dually tempered melodies

you're a metal detector
a misinformed detective

entering a bid on your indecisiveness

pot stripped pacifist
tailgating with bible revivalists

steer clear of the post suffering
down on your bruises
one episode away from dismissal

this all means nothing in steps
frivolous spending
no return on your efforts

bought.sold.exchanged.

trail away.
pale and immunities in discourse

this is not the dream of pastels.
we shade our dignity with dissappointment
and reluctant ingenuity.

barbers, barkers of tree found aspiration
stay in your clothes for the moment
out of your skin
barely breathing thin
wafers of waistlines and absentee smokes

magic on your fingertips
haze on your beards, fuzz on your complexion

i'm not archer, no lingerer of future tense
headed dull mind shriller of strength

bend at bill
collect the rent
stop.stop.stop.

reinvent.

noted

we can sit and romanticize these things

but in our day's last gasp, 

we both know it's all purely 

witticism and disneyland fantasies

faint-headed, light-hearted

coffee makes me nervous.

two cups makes me even more skittish

none of my problems matter, in a matter of speaking.

but somehow these little mishaps or empty wants have made me so unbalanced and shakey. my hands are steady, but my insides gurgle with strange pace, as if to tell the rest of my body to follow suit. 

change scares me. even great, upscale grandiose change.

for better or for certain, i am a nervous nilly, riding happiness like a child on the pay-as-you-go pony outside the supermarket, until i run out of quarters.

i'm a captive to my emotions,
they cascade and crash,
steep and build,
 all to eventually meet the pavement.

i want to be grounded.

 i want to feel happy.

 i don't want to feel lost anymore.

act accordingly is the social norm, but i've never quite been able to follow guidelines or learn things completely.

so i hide, and what's worse is even though i've made this solace for myself, locking myself away from sharing a home with anyone.

the irony is i love living alone, but hate being alone.

i'm not a complete shut-in, and still like being out socially, but lately the fears or anxieties that plague me are making it harder for me to be outside.

i know that people like me. and people love me. but i still haven't found someone to love me. and despite all my accomplishments, all my fulfilled dreams, all my successful attempts to rescue myself from seemingly desolate situations, i find myself right back here, feeling depressed and invisible.

letting go of things (and people) is the longest walk, being a circular pigeon in all this ungravely mess. people wander in and out of my life and i've gradually learned how to forget, or passively ignore them, but it doesn't make this life of living and hurting any easier.

i know all of this is trivial. and still i can't help feeling helpless.

remembrance.

how can so many things be going right, yet i feel like everything is coming apart at the seams?

high and drowned

her lips taste of bubblegum
awkward standing in the snow
to our carefully patterned podium inspired pause

she smells like morning tossed in roses and waterfalls
polite and unbeknowing

off to business for the holiday

no precursors or method
striking and unavailable
ready for day's bravings

so prim and drove for recess

the smiles break slow
in the kind trail of unspoken drop

stomachs clenched memories washed
loss for translation;
and all we can muster is assurance of our space.

 i'll talk to you, tonight?

blah blah blah

smile

quip

question

silence

follow

smile

quip- 

indifference

waiting...

waiting...

smile

nothing

discard

discourse

quip.

quip.

quip.

ignore.

pollard beauty.