faint-headed, light-hearted

coffee makes me nervous.

two cups makes me even more skittish

none of my problems matter, in a matter of speaking.

but somehow these little mishaps or empty wants have made me so unbalanced and shakey. my hands are steady, but my insides gurgle with strange pace, as if to tell the rest of my body to follow suit. 

change scares me. even great, upscale grandiose change.

for better or for certain, i am a nervous nilly, riding happiness like a child on the pay-as-you-go pony outside the supermarket, until i run out of quarters.

i'm a captive to my emotions,
they cascade and crash,
steep and build,
 all to eventually meet the pavement.

i want to be grounded.

 i want to feel happy.

 i don't want to feel lost anymore.

act accordingly is the social norm, but i've never quite been able to follow guidelines or learn things completely.

so i hide, and what's worse is even though i've made this solace for myself, locking myself away from sharing a home with anyone.

the irony is i love living alone, but hate being alone.

i'm not a complete shut-in, and still like being out socially, but lately the fears or anxieties that plague me are making it harder for me to be outside.

i know that people like me. and people love me. but i still haven't found someone to love me. and despite all my accomplishments, all my fulfilled dreams, all my successful attempts to rescue myself from seemingly desolate situations, i find myself right back here, feeling depressed and invisible.

letting go of things (and people) is the longest walk, being a circular pigeon in all this ungravely mess. people wander in and out of my life and i've gradually learned how to forget, or passively ignore them, but it doesn't make this life of living and hurting any easier.

i know all of this is trivial. and still i can't help feeling helpless.